my world

ouch

that hurt. incoming insomnia for awhile probably. better luck next time?

hurt

my brain hurts (and my butt, thanks brother for once again proving I shouldn’t pick “play” fights with you). I think too much. non. freakin’. stop. about what? I honestly don’t know. mainly I think about what event I can plan next for myself to make sure their is no gaps to even think about what is bothering me. from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed I am planning and yet I feel like I am never getting anything done. it’s like I really lack the ability to just relax… and when things don’t go the way I had planned it’s like an instant wave of panic smacks me across the face and then I’ve gone completely useless. I use to not be like this, I use to be much more aloof and carefree. I wonder what happened, I wonder what *traumatic* event took place in my mind to make this shift. I need a healthy balance to occur. I believe structure is good but not when I am allowing it to completely rule me, flexibility is a good trait. oddly enough I have noticed a difference in my ability to enjoy things I never even thought about before and it has become a new adventure to just begin to understand the basics. I think because of nick my appreciation for music has grown astronomically. I’ve always had a passion for it but now I am finally beginning to truly grasp it which to me is a very cool thing. I wish that I could somehow teach him something back, show him the things I am passionate about but I honestly don’t even know if he would care to listen. sometimes I feel like I am talking to the air. it surrounds me and is comforting but it doesn’t understand me… yet I almost feel like it’s trying to. kinda like that, I guess.

well I guess I should get to the nitty gritty. I need to figure out where this situation is going. I don’t need the clearest and distinct lines ever but knowing if I should set myself up for failure or not would be nice… I’d like the time to create a buffer, maybe soften the blow a little. it’s hard to have finally (and oddly too late) developed the ability to feel comfortable to talk about how I feel and what I am thinking only to be given back completely vague and confusing thoughts back. I’d hope for someone who spends such much time equally lost in thought that something would come from it… and no I am quite aware that he probably has a million other things on his mind but to me that doesn’t matter. once you know you have someone’s heart on the line it shifts to high importance regardless of how you are feeling or what you want. I know this… I went through this. I guess my general feeling forwards this last paragraph is: ugh… and maybe a little bit of, “oh well,” but not really at all. I really do care more than I allow myself to think I do.

2012

hey there, 2012. I have started this year off listening to what sounds like an airplane taking off in my garage (it’s actually the washing machine) and texting friends to make sure they made it home safely. sounds like another typical year ahead.

just more thoughts; but on a new day

last night was one of the first nights that I actually asked for my old life back. let’s ponder this sentence again:

I ASKED FOR MY OLD LIFE BACK.

what the what? that doesn’t sound like a good idea in the slightest. what was I thinking? I really don’t think I was thinking, just feeling. lingering on old emotions. emotions that every once and awhile sneak up on me and lunged at me. I really hate moments like these and yet it still happens. a lot less frequently as time passes but it still happens. most of the time I just really try my hardest to focus on other things, putting my energy into something constructive to my being and I think last night I felt like I had just lost a battle. another big battle. in the past year and a half my life has completely changed and I embrace those changes but at the same time I don’t know how ready I am to let go completely of that life. I already removed one of the biggest parts of it and that was a person, a person I loved above all else, above all things, and even more than myself. I completely gave myself to him and I tried my hardest to be his everything. and that’s where the big problems came out. I as a human being cannot give enough to someone in order to fill that void they need filled. they don’t need me. they need god. I am just an add-on, an after-thought. I don’t mean this in a negative way just in a realistic way. I am here to show god’s love on others, help to be that shoulder to cry on or that friend to laugh with, and someday (very very far from now) that wife and mother to someone that I so long to be. however, I cannot be the center of someones world and I shouldn’t be because if I am made that center all I will do is time and time again fail them. not because I am not loving, caring, kind, but simply because I am only human. I am only a woman growing in god’s love and grace. it’s moments like these where I am really beginning to understand my changes. I am growing in pain. the pain of losing someone so dear to my heart. and right now I feel like I am going through that again. the loss of another loved one. if there is anything I could say to her it’d be this:

kelly, I love you with as much as I can give. I want to help bring you closer to god. not to me, not to alex, not to your family, but to him. in him you will grow, you will learn, you will be better equipped to deal with the things in your life that you find so overwhelming. in him all things are possible, and without him things will be impossible. I know for the longest time you and I were bonded together in our general lack of understanding about him but I have begun to see the error in my centered way of thinking. I am not the most important piece to the puzzle, I am just a little piece in the big scheme of things but it’s amazing. amazing to know that I am part of something bigger. I want you to be apart of that to. I want us to grow together into a new life and become even closer as friends than we thought was possible. the things I would do in order to help you find this peace you are looking for.

sometimes I feel like paul. I would gladly give myself just to save another. and not even just a group of people. just one. I’m not sure if that is true love but I know it means something. I wish she could have an out of body experience and live in my head for just a few moments. live inside my soul. for just a second. she’d understand but since I can’t all I can really do is show her love. how can I want something so bad and have someone say they want the same things but they don’t really even want it at all. I talked to lance (a pastor that comes into my work on a daily basis about this) and he reminded me that I need to do my best to try to focus on my growth and if I can continue to do this I will be better equipped to help her. it’s funny how the most simple of ideas coming from such a brilliant man can make me see something a 100 times more clear than before. he also told me not to worry so much about trying to get her to understand because if I could really do that then it’s just me trying to be god and that’s where a lot of problems already steam. she doesn’t know god. she knows of him but she doesn’t want him. she wants to ignore. she doesn’t want to get to know jesus’ love. she wants to live in the here and now, the physical. she wants to focus on what she can see and touch on a daily basis. but despite all of that I haven’t given up.

there. is. ALWAYS. hope.

I am sure there has been moments when my parents felt like this with me on my spiritual journey but they never gave up on me and they never will. I know they couldn’t be more than pleased with me right now in the path I have decided to follow once more but this time full of passion and true longing. because of this I know there is always hope. I know where my heart once was and where it is now and if that is possible with god’s love why would I doubt for even a second that that same love won’t reach out for kelly someday and completely cover her in it. so right now I feel like I am faced with two options:

1. live life as usual.

2. do the complete opposite. time for change. time to focus. time to really show my love.

I think I’m going to go with option number 2. in order for me to help kelly I will continue to show her love, show her support, and guide her in any way possible (that she will respond positively to) to jesus. and in order for me to do that I actually need to let go. let go and let god do his work. I am not in control of this situation (and never really was). it’s similar to my situation to mike in that I need to show her that I am not the center. I don’t want to be the most important thing. I want to be the supporting role, I’m much better at that anyways. time to act. I think I’m ready. I hope I’m ready. during these times I really hope my other friends see this longing I am having and hopefully see me reaching out for their kindness, hope, love, and guidance. I am going to need a lot of that. that and a lot of prayer. and not just me speaking and feeling but also listening. I need to shut up and just listen.

besides all of that I need to also start working on a few other things.

1. working out again. I know I have too much energy to not use some of it on running and exercising. not just for my physical health but for my mental. it’s a great stress reliever. I just need to get my shoes on and go and I know once I do I will feel great about that decision.

2. sleep. I need to figure out some sort of plan. I’ve always been a terrible sleeper, even as a child. maybe I’ll talk to a doctor about this. funny how these first two steps are merely physical but they really setup my mental stability, as well.

3. prayer, reading, and learning time. time where I spend alone (one of the things I fear most, actually being alone). I need to focus on this. even if it isn’t everyday I do need to do this a couple times a week so I can reflect. maybe just even write. that always tends to help.

4. time with family. I need to be around for more dinners. more talks. just be around them. sometimes it’s hard because I don’t always feel like I can connect with my parents but I know they need me but as much as I need them. they love me and our relationship is constantly on the mend so I need to really take the time to help further that growth in a healthy family.

5. friends. I need more time with them also. but not just hang out play video games and watch movies time. more time actually talking. learning about them. helping them. using what little world knowledge and life I have experienced and helping to use that as a tool to help them grow and also allow their different experiences to help me. I feel like I am already a great friend but I want to be better. lift them up emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. this is something that I can easily do and want to do. not for myself, but for them.

6. stress. I need to tackle this pesky anxiety beast. I think for this next week I am really going to try my hardest to harness this beast and manage it. it’s going to be draining, it’s going to be hard, but honestly it’ll fix a lot of my own personal issues if I can actually do it.

I think I am done with writing for now. time for some more c.s. lewis. learning stuff from dead people is always a time.

I’ve had too much coffee

sometimes I feel like I am more in tune with myself than others and right now I feel like I am more deep into my thoughts than I have been in a long time and what’s odd about that is because I have been actually looking outward, I mean actually looking outside of myself. recently I have been really trying hard to get into others minds and hearts and where they truly and honestly lie. I want to know how people really feel, what their real desires are. I’m tired of hearing about the weather and how much they hate doing this or how mad they didn’t get this thing or that. I know that’s not what they are thinking about in their head. but there is also the selfish side of wondering about the thought processes are going on in their heads, I want to know what they think of me. how they really view me. and really what’s funny is even if I find out what is that going to accomplish? is it going to make me more aware of myself? is it going to make me change my behavior? probably not. I am fairly secure with who I am, and I think I can say this in all honesty. I’ve gone through some pretty crazy changes this past year and I feel like I am finally becoming myself again. my insecurities riddle me less and less these days. does this happen when you grow older? do people just stop caring about themselves or just stop caring about what other people think of them? I bet it’s a combination of the two, whatever it is I like it. today I asked a friend on the way home how he really felt about me and unfortunately I asked out of insecurity but I wanted to know and what I learned I already knew. I know he respects me, sees me as someone intelligent despite my outward goofiness but it was nice to hear that. I probably was having a weird moment of awkwardness because of an incident with another friend last night… she told me that I have a “shiny quarter complex” (well, she didn’t really call it that but for the sake of my brain I am going to label it as such). and now you ask what is “shiny quarter complex” well, it’s about meeting new people. I get really excited over new people and I want to surround myself in them. I want to learn all about them. I want to be their friend and I want them to equally find that excitement in me but what’s weird about that is I don’t want them to really know about me. you know, the real me. the side that isn’t always smiling and happy. I call that robot me. I am good at being robot me. robotself doesn’t have to talk about her feelings and thoughts all I have to do is entertain. I really have learned today that my personality type is all built around protecting myself. I am so guarded it’s not even funny. I feel like a zombie fortress. I’ve got these amazing walls built up BUT in my fortress my weakness is my foundation. it’s shaky because every once and awhile something will slip through and get to me (and this is where the zombie reference ties in) because once just a few slip in they go in for the kill and more and more keep coming. but in the case instead of turning me into a zombie (the obvious next step) I actually transform into a real person. a person that shows her real feelings, desires, and thoughts. which if anyone actually reads this I am sure you are just as confused as I am. but yeah, back to shiny quarter complex. she told me that I have a tendency to get really excited about something new and get lost in it, which honestly made me feel horrible and I think she noticed that. she told me later via  a text that she felt bad and wanted to reconfirm in me that I am a great friend and despite my easily distracted mind (referring to people, clearly). as you can see above I already analyzed myself and why I am the way I am. but it’s hard. I truly and desperately want to be close to people but I am afraid. afraid of getting hurt. it seems like when I have let someone in really close in the very end of it all it explodes into a confetti of emotion and leaves a trail of destruction behind it. maybe I’ve just connected with the wrong people or maybe in the wrong ways? maybe I lay my foundations wrong. that could be my biggest problem. foundation laying, good thing I’m not in the construction business. thinking about this even more is hurting my brain. I like breaking down my thoughts but then I almost feel like I am afraid to reveal myself to myself. is that even possible. I see myself everyday I live in my brain everyday how can I not know myself. ugh, that’s how I feel.  so yeah. and now I have this weekly group bonding/bible study/book reading thing to ponder over now. part of me already wants to run. I see how this could be a great learning experience with me. I have a level of respect for most of the people in that group. I know bits and pieces about each of them which makes me feel comfortable but at the same time scares me more. it’s hard because with most of them being about 3-5 years younger than me I feel like I have gone through so much more than them. will they really understand me? or will they feel like an adult lecturing them about life wisdom? will I feel like I can actually grow from a group younger than me. I think I can. unfortunately I have some things I need to work on. the guys I respect. well, a few anyways. the girls unfortunately I do not. they are young and naive and I think why I lack respect is because 1) I barely know them 2) they have barely tried to get to know me 3) I see them making the same mistakes I made and it frustrates me! I want to shake them and tell them to stop being so silly. I hate watching them do the same thing I did. maybe that’s why people of the same gender are always so hard on that group. I feel like in general women are more judgmental on other women than men. probably because we can’t relate as much with them or don’t completely understand them so we can shrug off their actions/motives/emotions/thoughts/desires. another thing that has sparked my interest is the qualities I look for in my friends. overall I rather be surrounded by men instead of women. but I want to break this down even further. the qualities I like in men are the ones that are closer to women; in that I prefer men that are more in touch with their emotional side, they express how they feel but don’t drain you from the interaction. and with women I prefer them to be more in touch with their manly sides. not as irrational as can be, more light-hearted, a little more put together. I think I like personalities that are truly androgynous. a good balance of rationality and emotions. what’s funny is I am also more attracted physically to people like that. that makes me feel weird. almost like I’d prefer to just see people as people. why do I find this notion weird? probably because society sets us up to think differently and want men to be rugged and rational and the leaders and for women to me silly and emotional and the followers. who knows, honestly all I can say is this: I need to work on my friendships with women. it’s really hard for me to open up to them in any way. my usual response is to be closed off at first and just observe. see what kind of personality they have and see where I can fit in there. I never just dive into friendships with women. and in fact I don’t even look at them as women, even if they are around my age (not just as a number but also maturity wise) I see them as girls. silly little girls. I am quick to call and judge. I should be quick to wanting to help listen, help guide, and even learn from them. which is what I want. I really want to get lost in each person I surround myself in. I want in their brains, their hearts, their souls. I want to see how I can help fix them. I think maybe fix is the wrong word. because really at the base of things we are all horrible creatures riddled with insecurity and a longing to belong into a greater group of things to feel comforted and less alone. maybe just bond closer together and help guide each other to what really matters. and yet when I write this all down it’s nice to see it on the screen but I’m still just as scared. I don’t know if I really feel comfortable enough to completely open up and share everything. my best friend of 11 years doesn’t even know everything about me. how I truly think. why I do what I do. I’ve always just figured that no one can really handle it. I’ve gone through a lot. not to downplay anyone else because my life is probably a breeze in comparison to most. I live in freaking orange county so I have no room to whine. but that being said I feel like my heart has experienced a lot of suffering. my body has gone through so much emotional turmoil that I literally have destroyed organs. I had to have my gallbladder removed because I don’t know how to deal with stress. I use to have ulcers throughout my digestive system from the amount of stress I keep in. thinking about it makes me feel like I am at the beginning stages of forming more. I analyze how I am feeling physically a lot and signs of my stress attacking me physically are happening again. I am worried I will give myself a heart attack someday. is that possible? because if it is I am pretty sure I’d be a perfect case study.

okay, I just spent about a minute just closing my eyes and breathing (whilst listening to anya marina). I needed to calm down. funny how our thoughts can become so overwhelming they destroy us physically. and yet despite me knowing this I don’t change. I’ve made so many changes and I really feel this is going to be my last hurdle to tackle and the hardest… however I don’t want to stop there. I know someday I will overcome my anxiety but I also know honestly and truly it won’t be my last challenge and really I don’t want it to be. I want to constantly be growing. I want to constantly be learning. I truly yearn for growth more than anything. in college group this week aaron the youth pastor asked us if god had to describe us in one word what would it be and what I originally wanted to put was lost but then I reflected for just a second and shot that down. I am not lost. I know where I want to go and where I am trying to head myself. learning. I put learning. I know he can see that. I am learning about him, the world, the people I surround myself in, and myself. it’s crazy. so many things are constantly being revealed to me it’s almost overwhelming but it isn’t drowning me. a year ago I wouldn’t be able to handle all these changes and now it just feels like life and it’s good. I can’t wait for more of it. I can’t wait for the challenges that I am going to face ahead. I can’t wait for all the suffering, pain, and hurt. you can’t learn unless you’ve suffered. and I know from that great things will come. happiness. TRUE happiness. a better life not in my shallow human mind but that covered in grace. ACCEPTING his grace.

well, I feel like I have written as much as I can handle right now. I don’t feel better (like I was hoping) and I still feel like I want to curl into a little ball and just sleep but I know it won’t help so I am not going to. I think I’m going to go read and maybe revisit this topic at a later time.

brain, you are so silly sometimes. or should I say rather heart, stop pulling on your own strings.